Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Feeling Defeated by a Shining Light

So for those of you that have been following me, you know that Hail and I have been sick this week. He hasn't wanted to do anything but snuggle all week now because he hasn't been feeling well. Just like me, when he gets sick, he has to sleep sitting up. Because I'm afraid that he may suffocate if I prop him up with pillows and blankets, he has been sharing my bed when he wakes up so that he can sleep on my chest in the most comfortable way possible. I know that this has attributed to his excessive need to snuggle but I don't know a better way to go about it and I don't want the guilt and even more sleeplessness of knowing that he might suffocate in his sleep. Since doing this, I have learned a good tip that my doctor told me that any frugal moms on here may like to know- if you can't afford a humidifier, rub Vick's Vaporub on your chest and put on a t-shirt. By allowing the baby to sleep on your chest covered in gunk, you are acting as the humidifier. Since he's too little to rub it directly on him, it's the next best I can do.

Yesterday while snuggling, the movie Corina, Corina came on Showtime and I had to watch it. I've always loved the movie and I hadn't seen it in a long time. When the ending came, being the sentimental schmuck that I am, of course I cried, but I also realized that Hail is my little light and he shines so brightly. And I'm gonna let him shine as long and as bright as he can. Now, being that he is a long lasting, brightly shining light- like an Energizer bunny, I have felt so defeated.

It is hard work being a single parent that works from home. I am with him 24/7, and since we've been sick, nothing has been done. Every time I think that I may have a few moments to write a quick article or edit a paragraph, he wakes up. It's as if he senses that I'm not paying 100% attention to him, even if he is sleeping. I am so behind with work that I feel as if I am only making it by the skin of my teeth. Something that I am completely not used to. Not only that, but I can't seem to make him understand- without listening to him scream- that it is okay to play by himself and he doesn't need me to entertain him all the time. I know many people that would tell me to just let him cry it out, but have you ever tried to work or even think when your baby is screaming and you know that the only thing that they want is you?? It is the most heart-breaking and difficult thing to do in all the world. I can't do it. I never thought I could ever feel so defeated by something so bright.

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